Flashback Friday: What a difference five years make

Dear Em,
I had planned on this being a Throwback Thursday post, but the days are just really getting away from me lately. Sigh. So, here we are with the blog's first Flashback Friday.

I cannot stress enough how quickly the past five years have gone by. The saying goes that time flies when you're having fun. I'm not saying every day has been sunshine & butterflies, but they've been the five best years of my life.

Five years ago, I was doing a lot of waiting. I was waiting for my family to arrive for the holidays, & I was waiting for you to be born. I could not wait to meet you, to put a face to all of my dreams. I was doing my very best to do anything that might coax you out. I tried to walk three miles each day. I ate eggplant parm. I drank smoothies of mango, kiwi, & pineapple. This was one of the first things in life that I couldn't make happen in my own time, & it drove me crazy. This was just the first of many lessons I would learn about losing control & finding beauty in things that don't go exactly as I planned.

You weren't born in time for Christmas that year, but a few days later I received the most amazing gift Daddy & I would ever receive...you. Now I have this imaginative, outspoken, bouncing, loving, bright, hilarious little almost five year old. What a difference five short years makes.

You ask me what I want for Christmas, & every year I give you the same answer. All I've ever wanted for the past five years is you. Your hugs & kisses & smiles & oohs & ahhs & snuggles & laughter bring more joy to mine & Daddy's Christmases than anything that could be wrapped & put under the tree.

I love you so,
Mommy

Your Birth Story: Part Four

Dear Em,

* This is the fourth part of a four part series about your birth & after, You can also read Your Birth Story: Part One, Your Birth Story: Part Two, & Your Birth Story: Part Three. *

After pushing on my stomach for an agonizing 30 seconds, my doctor finally game me the go ahead to be discharged from the hospital. My heart was so happy. Home. Just 48 hours beforehand, we had left our home just the two of us, & now we were returning home as a family of three.

First we had to make our way out of the hospital. I dressed you for the first time in clothes other than what they had put on you in the hospital. It made me smile. The newborn clothes that seemed so teeny when I was pregnant were actually big on you. We snuggled together while your daddy got everything else ready. He asked the hospital staff to install our car seat & packed the car with all of the things you & I had accumulated during our short hospital stay. He helped me change out of my hospital gown & into a night gown (while the hospital gown was hideous, it was just easier to wear it during my stay).

"Where's the wheel chair?" I asked a nurse. "Oh, there's no wheel chair. You have to show us that you can leave the hospital on your own." What?! That was going to be a challenge. Just walking to the bathroom was a challenge, but I was determined to do it. I clutched at anything I could to help support me as I walked what seemed like endless hallways. I know he was walking at a normal pace, but it seemed like your daddy was running down the hallways with you as I hobbled behind. He was just so excited & anxious to get you home. "Hey Brian?" "Yeah?" he looked back at me. "Do you think you could slow down?" "Oh, yeah, whoops."

We waited at the security guard station for all three of our ID bracelets to be checked before we could leave. There was a little family of three in front of us, & they were asking about having their car seat installed. The new mom was all cute in a matching sweatsuit, carrying her baby & walking around like it was nothing. I remember thinking how unfair it was. I felt like I was going to die. I knew if I didn't sit soon, I was going to collapse on the floor & they were going to take me right back to my room.

Not a moment too soon, we were checked & cleared to go. I sat down with you while your daddy pulled the car around. He loaded you in your little car seat, which looked so huge compared to you. We were ready to go home.

That car ride was the most agonizing one of my life. I had a donut to sit on, which looked like a pool float tube, but it didn't help. Your daddy drove at least ten miles under the speed limit. I wanted to beg your daddy to drive faster. I wanted to scream. But, I knew he was nervous about driving with you in the car for the first time. I bit my lip & tried to suffer in silence.

After dropping my prescriptions off at the pharmacy, we finally arrived home. Daddy helped walk me into the house before returning to the car to get you. I called out to my parents & brothers, but the house was empty. That was when I remembered the flight of stairs that stood between me & my bed. It was then I had a little freak out in my mind. The stairs just seemed so impossible at that moment, but your daddy was right there. He helped me up every step & helped me into bed.

My doctor had talked to me before I had left the hospital. He explained that there were going to be a lot of things that I would feel like I needed to do once I was home. He told me that most of those things would have to wait, & instructed me to be on bed rest for the first two weeks. Right then, that sounded just fine to me. There was nothing else I felt like I needed to do right then, & laying was the least painful position.

Luckily, nothing else really needed to be done anyway. My mom agonized during my labor too, except for her she was struggling with waiting. She cleaned our entire house spotless. My family arrived home just as I was done nursing Em. My mom sweetly picked you up, changed your diaper, & took you downstairs for some Nonnie time. Your daddy left to pick me up something I had been craving for nine months, an Italian sub.

I was left in peaceful & comfy quiet. I drifted in and out of sleep all day. After eating our subs together, your daddy joined me for some much needed sleep. My mom woke us up only when it was time to nurse you or to eat ourselves (she had made us a gourmet dinner, my favorite, fried fish). It was amazing & absolutely exactly what we needed. Looking back now, I feel like such an awful mother. Never once in the first 72 hours of your life did I change your diaper or even think to ask if it had been changed. I was so sleep deprived & pain consumed, I could barely think. My mother gave us the gift of sleep, the most precious gift she could have given us at that moment. It gave us the strength to be better parents moving forward.

I decided it was time to shower for the first time since I had gone into labor. First I sat for a sitz bath that we had taken home from the hospital. I watched TV episodes on our laptop as I struggled to sit for 30 minutes. Then your daddy had to carry me into the shower. The hot water felt amazing, & it felt good to be able to stand on my own, even if it was just for a few minutes. I knew I wasn't going to have enough strength to actually fix my hair or put on makeup, but still, I was making progress. All of a sudden, I heard a crash. Our laptop was knocked off the bathroom counter. We lost everything on our hard drive. Every picture. Every file. On any other day I would have been absolutely devastated. "It's OK," I told your daddy. "It could have been so much worse. I'm fine. Little Em's fine. We're all fine. The laptop doesn't really matter."

At around 8pm, I heard your little cries, but my mother didn't bring you up to me. Thinking you were hungry but my mom didn't want to wake us, I got up & hobbled downstairs. I looked into the family room to see what was going on. My mom was laughing & you were screaming. She had your baby book laying on the floor, & purple ink covered your little hands. I smiled as I realized she was trying to get your hand & footprints into your baby book for us. You were not thrilled, & it's funny to look at the prints now. You wouldn't spread your hand out. Instead of five tiny fingers, there's one little blob.

It was then that my mom showed me what the two of you had done all day. She had a camera full of photos. There had been multiple outfit changes & poses throughout the house. You had watched football in your Patriots onsie with Papi. You had been rocked by Jared and peaked at by Greg. You had posed in front of the Christmas tree. When we put you down to bed, you were so exhausted from Nonnie time that you slept from midnight to 5am. Not bad for your first night at home.

The next morning was a sad one for me. My mom, dad, & brothers had to return home. My mom showed your daddy how to change your diaper (& he changed every diaper for the next two weeks) & showed him where she had stored homemade meals for us. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I said goodbye. "I don't know if we can do this without you," I whispered to her as she hugged me close. "You're going to be great," she whispered back.

The next two weeks we had a flurry of visitors. With the strict visiting hours of the hospital, we had asked everyone except our parents to wait until we were home to visit. Everyone was so excited to meet you. They brought you gifts & us food, which was such a blessing. We didn't have to cook at all. We set up chairs in our bedroom, & in the first week all of the visits were in our room (which was a disaster, but I didn't care). It was so fun to see everyone smile at you while you mostly just slept. Your Grandma & Papa came often, & I think you were two weeks old by the time they finally saw your eyes open.

I have to say, we loved watching everyone meet you, but my favorite moments were when it was just the three of us. Your daddy basically had the first two weeks off. We spent most of it snuggling in bed together. We napped together. I nursed you & he changed your diapers. The TV was typically on, but mostly we just stared at you. We marveled at every little movement & expression you made. Everything about you was absolutely adorable & fascinating to us (even the constant spitting up).

We seamlessly transitioned into what was the new normal for us. I remember stressing a little when I was pregnant about how our lives were never going to be the same. It never was. Instead, it was so much better.

I think back on those days with such a smile in my heart. I know I was in a heck of a lot of pain, & the road to recovery was long. I don't really remember that part though. I mostly remember the smell of your skin & how your daddy asked if all babies smelled a certain way or if it was the lotion that is rubbed on them. I remember watching Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy every night like a bunch of 80 year olds (we may have tried to sign up to be Wheel of Fortune contestants). I remember waking up in the middle of the night just to hear you breathe. I remember you peeing on daddy as he changed your diaper while I laughed & tried to catch a picture of it. I remember you falling asleep in our arms & then sleeping between us in bed until I gave you your last feeding of the night. I remember the swirl of hair on the back of your head. Whenever you turned the back of your head to face me, Daddy would tell me that you were giving me the swirly. I remember swaddling you in blankets, & thinking you looked like a little baby burrito.

Did we really know what we were doing? Nope, didn't have a clue. We still don't. Still, I wasn't scared. I knew we'd figure it out together, & eventually we did. Actually, we're still figuring it all out, everyday. There's one thing we do know for sure. Never did we know love like this...until there was you.

I love you so,
Mommy

Your Birth Story: Part Three

Dear Em,

* This is a post about childbirth & the aftermath. It was not an easy childbirth. You may not want to read this is if you are about to have a baby or descriptions of childbirth make you feel uncomfortable. *

* This is the third part of a four part series, You can also read Your Birth Story: Part One, Your Birth Story: Part Two, & Your Birth Story: Part Four. *

All of a sudden, I was alone. I went from being surrounded by people to being completely by myself. Don't get me wrong, I was OK with that. If there was something wrong, I wanted every specialist in the hospital to surround our baby until I knew you were OK. Still, it felt weird to lay there all alone.

"Can someone tell me if she is a little girl? Otherwise, we're going to have some serious issues when it comes to the name we chose." I said it partly joking, but really I was serious. I had been dying to know for sure for nine long months. Now you were born & you were gone & I felt like I didn't know anything. A nurse turned & gave me a comforting look, "Yes, she's a girl."

I'm not sure how much time had passed. It could have been very little. It felt like forever, but I wasn't really in any condition to grasp time at that point. Then I heard your little cry. Finally they carried you back into our room & let me peak at you. "She's healthy & she's beautiful. I really want to give her to you, but she won't stop pooping," the nurse holding you giggled as she held you out for me to see. "I've never seen a newborn poop so much," the pediatrician exclaimed (I swear your daddy smiled at you with pride as the pediatrician said those words).

At that point I didn't care about poop. I wanted to hold you in my arms. You were mine, & I wanted to breathe in your baby smell (even if it was poopy) & feel your heart beat as I snuggled you in. Except that I really didn't have the strength to disagree with what was going on. Instead, I just smiled as I watched everyone crowd around you. They were measuring you & weighing you & cleaning you off. Your daddy was beaming with pride.

I heard my doctor ask a nurse for more sutures. "Oh, did I tear?" I asked her. "Oh, hunny, yes. I'm so sorry, but it's going to take a little while to put you back together." Put me back together? What did that mean? It was later that I realized an episiotomy had to be done before using the vacuum to pull you out. It was later that your daddy told me he saw them bringing out the cutting devices, but thought it was best not to mention to me during labor (yet another example of how your daddy was exactly what I needed during the labor process). It was later I found out I had torn through to my rectum.

Your daddy was being bombarded with text messages & stepped outside to call & tell our parents that you were born & healthy. It was then that they finally brought you over to me. They had dressed you & cleaned you. The first time I held you, you were swaddled in a little blanket & had a tiny baby hat on. You were beautiful & you were perfect & you were mine.

The student who had at first seemed so sheepish was now full of excitement. "That was awesome. You did awesome. She's so beautiful! Do you want me to take a picture?" Your daddy had the camera with him, but I somehow located my phone. Using my phone, the student snapped a picture of that magical moment, the first time I held you in my arms (I'm so thankful that he took the picture. We soon lost all of the pictures on a our camera from that day & this was the only one we have now). Your daddy walked back in, excited from sharing the news with our families. He stood next to the two of us, & for the first time we were together as a family of three. I don't think my heart had ever been so full. At that moment, everything felt like it had fallen into place & there was nothing in the world that could bring me more happiness.

Unfortunately, the moment was fleeting. I had held you for only minutes, but I asked your daddy to take you. I was starting to feel weird, & I didn't trust my body. I mentioned that I was feeling really dizzy. Everyone rushed back over to me. I was given epinephrine & then it seemed like everyone took turns roughly pushing on my stomach. I was still experiencing the effects of my epidural, & yet each time they pushed I felt agonizing pain.

At some point one of the nurses told me she was taking you down to the nursery to warm you up. She assured me that they would return you to me as soon as they brought me down to the recovery room. It was hard for me to see her walk away with you, but as they pushed on my stomach & I cried out in pain I knew it was the right thing for you.

An emergency was going on in another delivery room. We heard a page for help. Our nurse ran out the door. For the first time in what seemed like forever, your daddy & I were alone. It was so nice to lay in quietness. I had been such a hectic day. Your daddy smiled as we quietly talked about how cute & funny you were...how you had captured our hearts already. Then I started to feel weird again. I knew that an electronic blood pressure monitor was periodically taking my blood pressure. "Hey, babe, what are the numbers on that machine?" Your daddy looked. "Um, 40/20. Is that good?" I had a pretty extensive knowledge of blood pressure, & I knew mine was dangerously low. I tried to speak as calmly & gently as possible, because I knew what I was going to say would frighten your daddy. "Hey, babe, can you do me a favor? Would you mind pushing the call button, because I am going to pass out." Panic filled your daddy's eyes as he fumbled for the call button & dropped it on the floor. "It's OK. You'll get it," I said as I began to lose consciousness.

It's weird, but all through my pregnancy I had a weird feeling that I was going to die during childbirth. I had frequent nightmares about it. I tried to have the "if something happens to me" talk with your daddy, but he quickly cut me off each time. "I'm not talking about this. You're going to be fine," he would say as he shook his head. So instead of talking to him about it, I just prayed to God that you would be healthy & that love & support would surround you & your daddy if something happened to me.

As I lost consciousness I thought, "this is it. I am dying. At least I got to see her. At least I know she is healthy & she is safe & that's all that matters." It all seems so melodramatic now, because of course I didn't die. I was given more epinephrine & regained consciousness. "We had such a great afternoon, I thought you guys were going to be easy, but you're turning into such a trouble maker," our nurse jokingly scolded me as I opened my eyes. "Sorry," I mumbled as I tried to find the strength to smile. More painful pushing on my stomach followed. I cried out in pain. "I'm so sorry, hunny, it's just that you have blood clots the size of oranges, & we have to get them out."

Hours of the same passed. I wasn't really aware of how much time was passing. I would like to say that you were the only thing I thought about during that time, but I was too tired & weak to even think. They covered me in blankets as my whole body shivered.

Finally, they determined I was stabilized & wheeled me on a bed, down to my recovery room. A nurse asked if I wanted to rest or if I wanted her to bring you into the room. I had been awake for 24 hours. I was weak & more tired than I had ever been, but there was nothing I wanted in the world more than you in my arms. It was 5:30am. You had been born at 10:59. 6 1/2 hours later, we were finally together.

As I breathed in your sweet baby scent, I sent your daddy to his parent's house. We had talked about it during my pregnancy. The fold-out couches they have at the hospital are terribly uncomfortable, & his parents' house was only 15 minutes away. It would be better for him to get some decent sleep while he could, because once we were home he would be taking care of both of us. He hesitated, asking if I was sure I was OK, but I shooed him out. I snuggled you close. At that moment, everything was perfect. I looked at your ten little fingers & ten teeny toes. You were so tiny & squishy & adorable. I was in love.

I could have spent the rest of my life just looking at you, but other challenges were ahead. I felt like I had been run over by a mack truck, which had then backed up & run over me again. Everything...everything...hurt. I was on IV antibiotics & constantly monitored. I laughed to myself about all the things we had packed in my hospital bag. I didn't have the strength to walk to the shower, let alone take one. Make-up was not going to happen. Oh, & the comfy sweatpants we packed for me to wear, yeah those weren't going to happen for me either (we called my mom & asked if she would pick up a nightgown for me).

We had decided to donate your umbilical cord blood. While in most cases, parents have to pay to privately store their child's cord blood, Rhode Islanders have the option of donating it to the Rhode Island Blood Center's state-wide public cord bank. If someone else needs your cord blood, we will be contacted to let us know that it was being used. Otherwise, it is available for you if you one day need it. We were given the sweetest newborn top that said "Already a Hero." There was just one problem. They needed a blood sample from me within 48 hours after donation. My veins generally prove to be challenging for blood draw, but in this case I was also very dehydrated. After poking me four separate times, they gave up. They told me they would pump me with fluids intravenously & try again the next day (luckily they were able to get a blood sample eventually).

When my epidural was started I had been hooked up to a catheter, but now it was time for it to come out. This meant I would have to pee on my own. Things that came easy, all of a sudden seemed impossible. I needed a nurse even to help me walk just the few steps to the bathroom. After peeing, she asked if I needed help or if I wanted to clean myself. Any modesty I had left, I lost right there. I asked her for help. It hard enough for me to try to sit upright. My body felt absolutely & completely broken, & I wondered if I would ever feel right again.

I never understood postpartum depression before this. I honestly felt that women were just making it up, but now I know it's real. My body was a mess (every doctor or nurse who came in to examine me looked at my chart & said, "whoa, you're in really rough shape. That was one hell of a labor you had). I had never experienced anything close to the kind of pain & exhaustion I was feeling, but yet I was over the moon with joy. It doesn't even really make sense how unbelievably blissful I was. Hormones are the only thing that could explain it. If they could make me that happy, they can certainly do the opposite to someone else. I thank God I experienced joy rather than depression.

At 2pm, an hour before visiting hours started. I was still holding you in my arms, taking in every inch of you. Your daddy was sitting next to us. I'm sure goofy smiles covered our faces. My nurse came in & asked, "have you gotten any sleep at all?" "Well, I kind of nodded off for a few minutes a couple times," I explained. It was so hard with people walking in every few minutes to push on my stomach, check on me, & check on the baby. Plus, I had this teeny, tiny fascination in my arms. "I'm going to take her to the nursery, & put a do not disturb sign on the door. You really need sleep." I've heard from people that the nurses aren't even supposed to offer to take the babies to the nursery, but that nurse we an angel. I got a whole hour of uninterrupted sleep, & after being awake for almost 33 challenging hours, I really needed it.

Visiting hours came, & nothing made me more happy than to see you being loved by our parents. "She has a full head of hair. We have you to thank for that," your papa smiled at me. Tears filled your grandma & nonnie's eyes the first time they held you & the biggest smile I'd ever seen was plastered across your papi's face that whole afternoon. As I watched my mother smiling down at you, I knew my heart had never been so happy. "You know what, mom? That wasn't that bad. I could totally do that again." Seriously?! Looking back now, I can't believe those words came out of my mouth so soon after my delivery. I'm telling you, hormones play funny little tricks on you.

It was as my parent's were visiting that the hospital lactation consultant came in. Your Papi took that as his cue to leave. I had planned to breastfeed, but I was a little confused about why a consultant was needed. I always thought that nursing just came naturally. I thought once given the opportunity, the baby would just know what to do. Well, you can add that to the list of things I was totally wrong about. I guess each baby has to learn to latch. For some it comes easier than others. The consultant asked me if I had tried nursing, & I immediately reddened with embarrassment & guilt. You had been born almost 12 hours ago, & I hadn't even thought about feeding you. "That's OK. Let's try now," she said.  There were a number of things she instructed me to do to help you learn to latch. At one point I had both my mother and my mother in law pushing on my boobs in an attempt to help you latch while the lactation consultant watched on. It was for sure one of the top five most uncomfortable moments of my life.

Once visiting hours were over, your daddy & I sat down to a gourmet meal. In place of the typical hospital food, Women and Infants offers a Stork Club Dinner for new parents. Your daddy's company was so sweet to gift it to us. Our first dinner as parents was a yummy, candle-lit steak dinner with dessert & wine (don't judge). While you slept sweetly in your hospital basinet, Daddy & I toasted to new adventures as a family of three. Then we all snuggled in my hospital bed together & watched the New York City ball drop on TV. It was a brand new year, & we knew it would be the best one yet.

After a few more family snuggles, your daddy wheeled you to the nursery before heading to his parents' house. We both needed a good night's rest. I was hoping we would be able to go home the next day. It was the last full day your nonnie & papi would be able to spend in Rhode Island, & I wanted them to share it with you. I wanted to start our new year in the comfort of our cozy home, where I would be able to take my pain medication without having to wait for hospital staff to drop it by & wouldn't have to endure my stomach being pushed on every few hours.

My nurse told me it was a long shot. I was still on IV antibiotics & fluids. She told me the doctor would have to give me the OK, & she didn't think I was well enough. So, I prayed that my body would be strong enough for us to go home.

I love you so,
Mommy

Your Birth Story: Part Two

Dear Em,

* This is a post about childbirth. It was not an easy childbirth. You may not want to read this is if you are about to have a baby or descriptions of childbirth make you feel uncomfortable. *

* This is the second part of a four part series, You can also read Your Birth Story: Part One, Your Birth Story: Part Three, & Your Birth Story: Part Four. *

Uncertainty is hard for me. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says, "I have a big surprise for you, but you're going to have to wait." I don't like waiting for surprises, feeling like something could jump out at you at any moment. Pregnancy is the ultimate "I have a big surprise for you, but you're going to have to wait." The beauty in knowing that I was going to be induced is I knew pregnancy was finally coming to an end. Soon I would be holding our precious baby that had been growing inside me for what seemed like forever.

I was filled with joy as I took my time getting ready that morning. I shaved my legs. I put on make-up. I fixed my hair (now, I laugh at myself at how I was thinking I was going to look cute for photos). Your daddy, on the other hand, was flustered. He ran around, buzzing with anxiousness. When my mom stopped us for one last photo as we left the house for the very last time as a family of two, I thought he was going to kill her.

We had left 15 minutes later than originally planned, & your daddy was worried we would be late for our 7am appointment. As we drove to the hospital, I wanted to quietly remind your daddy that they weren't going to start your birth without us. Instead I smiled & kept quiet. I know your daddy gets anxious in big moments, & what moment was bigger than this?

We checked in at the premiere birthing hospital in Providence, Rhode Island. We had heard that it can be a little like a baby factory, with less personal touches than some of the community hospitals. Although we lived closer to three other community hospitals, we had chosen our hospital based on the specialists affiliated with it. Both of us had had complications when we were born. We hoped for an issue free labor, but we knew we wanted to be near the specialists just in case. In the end, I'm so thankful we made the decision we did.

We checked in at 7am, & they quickly brought us upstairs to our room (another advantage of being induced). While I knew I was being induced, I wasn't quite prepared for all of the things that were being hooked up to me. I had hoped to spend labor walking around, but I had to call a nurse just to get unhooked to go to the bathroom. Before they put the monitor on me, they asked me if I had had any contractions. I shook my head. As much as I had hoped, I hadn't. "Do you know that you're having contractions right now?" Ohhhhh. That's what contractions are?! I had always thought they were searing and sharp pains. These were just little cramps, no worse than what I used to feel when I got my period. I had been having these cramps for weeks. Who knew?

A nurse introduced herself to us (I feel so sad I cannot remember her name...or any of our nurses names. They were all so great). She was going to spend the day monitoring us and another woman next door. When she came in, we never felt like just another couple having a baby. We shared stories about our families & our hopes for you. She was supportive & so kind. Chatting with her helped us through a whole lot of waiting. We also giggled as your daddy put all the gear on that was given to him, especially the funny cap. Photos may have been taken. There was a TV on in our room, & we watched a whole lot of HGTV.

While I couldn't eat anything (but really wasn't hungry anyway), I was aware of the time & the fact that your daddy should be eating lunch. "Are you going to have lunch," I asked him. "I can't leave you, & it's not fair to eat in front of you when you can't." I smiled at his sweetness. Sometimes your daddy just makes my heart so happy. I told him to go get lunch. He was going to need his strength & energy for this labor too. All we were doing was waiting, & I really didn't mind him eating in front of me. He was gone & back in moments, with no food to show. Apparently, he had rushed down to the cafeteria & scarfed down a sandwich on his way back up so as not to eat it in front of me.

Throughout the afternoon, I watched your daddy look over at my monitor. His eyes would grow wide & he looked at me expectantly in fear. When he saw I wasn't reacting at all, his body would relax. "That was a really big contraction on the monitor, did you feel it?" Not really. I was still just feeling little cramps. It was the same when the doctors & nurses came in & checked the monitor. The nurse came in & told me I looked way too comfortable to be in labor & upped my pitocin levels. I started to feel really proud of myself. Maybe I have super amazing pain tolerance? Maybe I wasn't even going to need the epidural I was so sure I had wanted during pregnancy.

Then the pain came, just enough to make me really uncomfortable. "OK, I'm ready for the epidural now, please." Because I had had a previous back injury, the head of anesthesiology came to give me my epidural. I was lucky that I didn't have to wait long at all. I wasn't prepared for them to ask your daddy to leave the room, though. I am absolutely needle-phobic. I cringe just thinking about needles, & when a large needle is placed into my spine it would be helpful to have my husband there for support.

Thank God your daddy returned just after, because the contractions got a lot worse. All of a sudden I felt mind numbing pain that seared through my whole body. So much for high pain tolerance. I laughed at how ignorant I had been only hours earlier. We had been told that it would take a few minutes for the epidural to kick in, but each contraction felt like an eternity. They kept asking me if I felt numbness. There was no numbness, only awful pain. I squeezed your daddy's hand as my body tensed with pain. He encouraged me to remember what we had learned during our one short class at the hospital. He acted out on of the breathing techniques & encouraged me to follow along. I thought "screw the breathing techniques." I hadn't really even paid attention during our class. It was something fun to do. I knew I would never actually need to do any of it. I had always planned to get an epidural, ALWAYS. I suddenly had a really scary thought, what if epidurals didn't work for me & I was going to have this baby...gasp...naturally?!

Luckily, the anesthesiologist came in & made some adjustments. The numbness they had described began to spread through the lower part of my body. The pain disappeared. Thank God for epidurals. Your daddy & I settled back into quiet waiting again. Our new nurse encouraged me to try to get some sleep. Seriously?! Today was going to be the biggest day of our lives. How was I going to sleep? I laid quietly, but sleep never came. I could hear a woman's screams in the room next door. Our monitors had been connected, & we could see her contractions on the monitor. We could hear that she was having a rough time. I said silent prayers for her & silent prayers for us.

At 7pm my midwife checked me, & I was 10 centimeters dilated. She asked me if I was ready to start pushing. I felt like there was nothing in my life I was more ready for. If things went quickly & smoothly, we would have just enough time to introduce you to our parents before the end of visiting hours (you were born in the middle of the swine flu epidemic of 2009, & visiting policies were super, super strict).

So, I started pushing...& pushing...& pushing. It was so strange. I couldn't really feel anything as I pushed & I don't think I ever really understood how to push anyway. I mean, it's not like you can practice & someone can tell you if you're doing it right. An hour passed. You still weren't out, & I was still pushing. I cried silent tears, knowing our family wouldn't be able to meet you until visiting hours started at 3pm the next day.

I'm not sure when it started to happen, but all of a sudden I was vomiting. The nurse was fast & caught my vomit in a bucket. After that it was your daddy, who was standing behind my shoulders & away from "down there," who caught my vomit as I pushed.

I had a midwife, but two doctors were there with us, as well as a nurse. One of them would walk in, look at me & shake her head, whisper something to the the other doctor, & walk out. I started to cry. While I still wasn't feeling any pain, I was exhausted, more exhausted than I'd ever been. I felt like such a failure. This was my job, & I was awful at it. I looked up at your daddy who was gently wiping my forehead with a cool cloth. "I'm so sorry. I'm just not good at this. You married me, probably thinking I'd be good at this, but I'm just not. I'm so sorry." In that delivery room, your daddy was everything to me that I could have ever needed. "What are you talking about? You're doing so great. You can do this, & you're doing great."

What I didn't understand is that the doctor wasn't shaking her head at my ability to birth a baby. She was looking at our heart monitors & was concerned about both of our hearts. They moved me in a number of different positions, to make things better for your heart. At one point they asked me about using a vacuum. They showed it to me as they explained what they would be doing, but I didn't really look at it. I don't think I could really see straight at that point, but I was interested in anything that would help get you out. We consented. They also lowered my epidural, hoping that if I could feel pressure it would help. So, we proceeded, me pushing & the doctor tugging.

At one point, I felt a great relief in pressure. "Is she out? Did I do it? Is she out?" No. The doctor had been tugging so hard on the vacuum that it had slipped off your head & the doctor had smacked herself in the face with it. Apparently, you were holding your hand to your cheek. Each time we made progress, you slipped back up. The second doctor kept walking in, looking at me, & shaking her head. I felt so defeated. I overheard the nurse talk to my midwife about it being time to consider a C-section. My midwife was harsh as she completely dismissed the nurse. "No, she's going to do this. She can do this."

When it comes to being naked, I am a very modest & private person. I've never even gone to the bathroom while your daddy is in it. I had never been so vulnerable & exposed, but somehow I didn't even care. At one point, a doctor asked me if it was OK if her student came in. I thought, "there are already 10 people (two nurses, my midwife, two doctors, 3 pediatricians, & 2 other people who were monitoring something that I can't remember now) I hadn't met until today in this room. What's one more?" I told her it was fine. The student sheepishly stared at the floor as he walked into the room, & I wondered if this was the first delivery he was witnessing. I couldn't help but think of my sister in law, who was a nursing student, & hoped that people were nice enough to allow her to witness this kind of experience too.

Somehow amid the exhaustion & vomiting, I pushed (& the doctor pulled). Finally, your head was out & I just had one more push. After the last push, I felt an immediate release in pressure. At 10:59pm on December 30th you were born.

I looked for you & awaited the skin to skin contact I had read was imperative, but they never laid you on my chest. In fact, the team of pediatricians rushed you into the adjoining room next door. Your daddy glanced to where they had taken you & back at me. I knew what he was thinking. He didn't want me to feel abandoned, but he was just as worried about you as I was. "No, it's OK. I'm OK. Go be with our baby," I said more strongly than I felt as he too rushed to the other room.

This was not how it was supposed to happen. Where were the baby cries that you hear in the movies? Where was the exclamation, "It's a girl!" (or "it's a boy" if our ultrasound technician was wrong)? I hadn't even gotten to see my baby, & fear filled my heart as I wondered if you were OK.

I love you so,
Mommy

Your Birth Story: Part One

Dear Em,

* This is the first part of a four part series, You can also read Your Birth Story: Part Two, Your Birth Story: Part Three, & Your Birth Story: Part Four. *

It's been three years. It's only taken three years to sit down and write your birth story. In my defense, it's been the fastest three years of my life...& also the most amazing.

Three years ago, my body felt broken- broken to the point I didn't think I wold ever feel whole again- but my heart felt so much fuller than I could have ever imagined. But, let's start at the beginning. I had never wanted to get pregnant...but I always knew I wanted to have kids. It's possible I was forever scarred after watching birthing videos to prepare for the birth of one of my siblings (which I didn't end up witnessing, thank God). While babies always seemed like a beautiful miracle, to me, child birth was just gross & pregnancy seemed awful.

I grew up hoping that either I would have enough money to be able to pay for a surrogate or someone would just volunteer. I may have asked some of my family members. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy...I guess I kinda was.

Since I wasn't a millionaire, & no one seemed to want to volunteer nine months of their lives, I settled on the fact we would have to do things the old fashioned way. While your daddy & I had only been married for six months, we had been together for almost ten years. It's not that we even decided to start trying to have a baby, we simply just decided to stop preventing a baby. We figured if we were to get pregnant right away, great. If not, we didn't have a set timeline & wouldn't get stressed out. I assured your daddy that I had read somewhere that it takes at least three months to get pregnant after stopping the birth control pill (his friends now call that the three month lie), & he agreed to stop trying not to have a baby too.

Well, it didn't take three months. I'm not even sure it took three days. When my midwife told me I was pregnant, I laughed & said "that's really funny." That's when she stuck the pregnancy test an inch away from my face and said, "see the two lines? That means you're pregnant." I immediately burst into tears of joy. I mean, I told myself we were just not preventing & we had time, but for a while I had been looking at pregnant women with a longing I cannot describe. I held my belly & looked down & for the first time dreamed of what you would look like and who you would be.

As much as I was bursting to tell someone else the exciting news, I wanted your daddy to be the next to know, & I wanted to tell him in person. We had already planned to meet for happy hour at one of our favorite restaurants (I wasn't expecting good news at my doctor's appointment), & I met him with a gift. Inside a box was a baby RedSox baseball cap & RedSox onesie. Daddy picked up the cap & looked at me with an puzzled "this is too small to fit me" look. Then he picked up the onesie. A shocked, absolutely stunned & dumbfounded look spread across his face. I could almost hear him thinking, "what about the three months?" No one can really blame him. It wasn't just the swiftness of the pregnancy, it was also thinking about the fact we were scheduled to go to a beer festival the next day & travel to Ireland in just a couple weeks.

Needless to say, the beer festival didn't happen for me. And Ireland? Let's just say it was a much different trip than planned. Sure, we traveled the countryside & climbed mountains, but I felt nauseous at every step & often had to stop to vomit. I couldn't keep anything down. I spent more time vomiting in the bathrooms of Ireland than I had spent my whole life added together. We celebrated my 28th birthday in Ireland, & your daddy said we could do whatever I wanted. I asked if we could spend the whole day in bed. I was exhausted. I read somewhere the the energy expended in the daily growth & development of a baby during the first trimester is comparable to the energy used to complete a marathon. Except that no one runs marathons every day.

All of a sudden, I had developed a super sonic sense of smell that has never gone away. EVERYTHING smelled bad to me. We returned from Ireland to the brand new carpets that had been installed in our home & a new car. Augh, worst smells ever! My shampoo, perfume & lotion? Forget about it...disgusting! Surprisingly, the strong smell of lilacs were the only thing that didn't seem to smell awful to me. Your papa was amazing. He trimmed lilacs off our bushes & filled the house with them. I will always think of you when I smell lilacs.

Once the second trimester rolled around, most of the nausea went away & I had more energy. Things weren't so bad except that I looked super fat. Why is it that every other pregnant woman looked adorable to me & I just looked huge? The emergence of my belly also opened me up to the unsolicited advice & ignorant comments of strangers. One woman actually told me that she just knew I was having a girl because my face was fat. I also had random people touching my stomach. Here is my unsolicited advice, unless it is offered, don't grab a pregnant woman's belly.

I know I sound really complainy. I'm pretty sure if I was a woman trying to get pregnant & I was reading this, I would hate me right now. I just didn't love being pregnant. I always knew I wouldn't. I still don't understand women who love being pregnant, but that doesn't mean there wasn't joy in being pregnant. I loved you the very second I knew about you, & knowing that you were on the way was the biggest happiness I'd ever known. I loved feeling you move inside my belly. You were stubborn, & anytime someone else tried to feel you move you would stop. It was almost like you saved your kicks special just for me (soon your hard kicks felt less special. you've always had quite a kick). The only time someone else had a chance to feel you move is when you had the hiccups. You had them at least 3 times a day, & it would make me giggle to think of you bouncing around with hiccups.

I talked to you & sang to you & smiled as I thought of you growing & developing. I loved to read about what kind of fruit you resembled in size each week. During your ultrasounds, tears streamed down my face. Looking at your little arms, your little legs...seeing you move around (you were quite the womb gymnast), I exclaimed that you were the cutest little one in the world (& our ultrasound tech smirked as we continued to look at the weird ultrasound images). Every time I got to hear your heart beat at one of my appointments, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I was super paranoid. If it had been fifteen minutes & I hadn't felt you move, I was practically frozen in fear waiting for a little poke. Random television show moments & commercials made me cry (Sarah Mclachlan's animal cruelty commercial got me every time). Otherwise, your daddy says I was actually nicer during my pregnancy. It was like I knew I was going to have to start letting things go. I'm very type-A, & previously everything had to be just so. I had started to realize that I couldn't plan everything. For instance, I had never wanted a baby born right around Christmas time. It never seemed fair to have to share your birthday with Jesus. But there I was, due on December 29th. I realized that was just the beginning of things I would not longer have control over.

I also tried to cherish this time with your daddy. While the nausea, the exhaustion, & the supersonic smell were happening to me, I felt so bad for your daddy. He came home from work, & I was already in bed. He would bring me dinner in bed & I would typically be sleeping by 7pm. By the second trimester, I still didn't really feel like the life of the party. An 8pm bedtime sounded just right to me, but I tried to make an effort. In a few short months, everything would change. It would never be just me & Daddy ever again. As a very pregnant woman we still went to a Weezer & Blink 182 concert, cheered at baseball games, participated in a 5k, traveled on long road trips, & I DD'ed quite a bit as we went out with friends (reminding him that he would be paying me back at the end of the nine months). We celebrated our first year anniversary in Boston. I waddled through the streets, & your Daddy asked me if I was doing OK every 30 seconds.

The third trimester was exhausting & uncomfortable. As much as I tried, I couldn't sleep more than a few hours a night. I could feel the space inside my body getting tighter, & you kicked & punched me to no end. We celebrated Thanksgiving a month before you were due. I was beyond excited about the holiday. Finally I could eat as much as I wanted & not feel bad. After all, I was eating for two, right? Unfortunately, the size of my stomach had shrunk in the small space & I was full after a few bites of yumminess. I felt like I was part of Alanis Morissette's song, "isn't it ironic, don't you think?"

Your daddy saw that an episode of "A Baby Story" was on TV & we sat down to watch it. During the birth portion, I began to feel light headed. It was all the disgustingness I dreaded. "Oh my gosh. Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!" I exclaimed. I felt sick to my stomach & I panicked. "Maybe we should have thought about this more. I don't think I can do this. I change my mind. Right, I can change my mind?" Your daddy was just as grossed out as he smiled at me & softly told me there was no turning back. That was going to be our reality in just a month. Thank God I had you to look forward to. That was the only thing that didn't have me crying & huddled in a corner.

Due to my sleeplessness & my super low blood pressure, I stopped working a month before your due date. I spent that time readying your room & trying to walk you out. My whole family was coming up for Christmas (8 people & 3 dogs), & I really hoped you'd be there to share it with us. I walked 1-3 miles a day on the treadmill & read everything on the internet about things to eat that would induce labor. I made myself smoothies of mangoes, pineapple, & kiwi. I made eggplant parm three times.

Two weeks before my due date I had lost my mucus plug & was at my weekly doctor's appointment. I was four centimeters dilated & my midwife said she wouldn't be surprised if I had you in the next 24 hours (which she said she never says to anyone). My Dad took me for a bumpy drive, my family had me climb a tower, & I was bounced up & down on a yoga ball. Two weeks later, Christmas had passed, half of my family had left to go back to North Carolina, I had lost a second mucus plug, it was my due date, & there I was still pregnant.

I walked in for my doctors appointment, I'm sure looking not very thrilled. "Well, you can continue, which you're certainly fine to do, or we can induce you tomorrow. Technically, you're a week overdue from your first due date," (did I tell you I had two due dates? I guess it doesn't matter. You missed both of them) my midwife told me. To me it wasn't even a question. I almost jumped off the examining table & hugged her. I was ready to meet you. I was ready for you to be out of my body. I was ready to get this show on the road.

I love you so,
Mommy