Heart Walk

Dear Em,
This past Saturday we had the opportunity to walk in the American Heart Association's Heart Walk. The heart walk is something near & dear to my own heart. We know too many people that have suffered with heart disease. Mostly, I spent the day thinking about my Grandma. She was a little, Irish woman with big personality. She was one of my best friends, & to me she always seemed invincible. Then right before I graduated from college, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. I didn't know much except that she was really sick.

She was diagnosed with heart failure but soon discharged from the hospital. I didn't know anything about heart failure. I knew she had a few more medications she had to take daily. I assumed that it was like hypertension. As long as she took her medications, I thought she would be just fine. I thought she would some day take you on trips to see Boston & the homes of your favorite authors just like she did with me.

What I know now is that after a person is diagnosed with heart failure, they have a 50% chance of dying within five years. That survival rate is worse than most cancers. What know now is heart failure really slows people down. Many people can easily feel out of breath after just walking down the street or walking up the stairs. People suffering with heart failure often wake up in the middle of night feeling like they're drowning & gasping for breath. It breaks my heart that so many people are living & dying with heart failure.

In hopes for a better tomorrow, we walked the Heart Walk. We had a small but mighty team of seven people. As walks to raise money for a good cause go, this was definitely one of the smallest I've been a part of. Luckily, it only takes a few great people to make a big difference.

This was certainly the most beautiful walk I've ever done. We started at the Watch Hill Gazebo, looking out at the water and all the boats that were anchored. The walk took us along the coast & past many gorgeous houses & properties. We walked by Taylor Swift's House. You were hoping she would join us on the heart walk. Unfortunately, she wasn't available.

During the walk & throughout the day, you & I discussed things we could do to keep our hearts' healthy. We talked about exercising & eating healthy foods. "Well, it's a good thing I ate broccoli last night," you proudly declared to our whole team.

The Westerly Heart Walk was five miles, but once we finished we walked a little further. We went up the dune to Napatree Point & showed Grandma & Papa one of our favorite spots in all of Rhode Island. Of course, you ran right in the water & splashed in the waves.

I can't think of a better way to end a Heart Walk. It made my heart so happy to watch my healthy, little girl jumping & running & laughing in the waves. I hope my Grandma was looking down & smiling at you too.

I love you so,
Mommy

What is Christmas all about?

Dear Em,

"How many presents will Nonnie get me?"

This is what you asked me last night, & I cringed inside. I know it's typical for children to be excited about receiving gifts, but I want you to know that this season is about so much more than what comes wrapped inside colorful paper. I want you to know this season is about family & friends & God. More than anything, I hope this season is all about love for you...giving your love to others & being grateful for the love that is given to you by so many.

I gave you a stern look, told you if you were going to start counting gifts I would cancel gift giving altogether, & asked you what you thought Christmas was all about. You begrudgingly & solemnly told me, "It's about love & being with family." I know that you were just giving me the answer you knew I expected to hear & not necessarily the answer you felt in your heart.

That's when Daddy stepped in. He told you about a family they were "adopting" at work for the holidays. He told you about how the family had been through really hard times. Instead of hoping for tons of toys, this family needed clothes & shoes & food. He asked you to think about how you never have to worry about if you would have clothes to wear or when you would be able to eat again. Daddy told you about how there are many children who have to worry about things like that every single day.

He asked if you would help pick out a pair of pajamas & shoes for a little boy who was your same age. You instantly became excited about helping. Just in that moment, the holiday became about what you were planning to give rather than what you were planning to get. I think that's a good place to start.

I love you so,
Mommy

Joey & Charlie's Outside Adventure

Dear Em,
I don't know how much I've mention them on this blog, but we have two furry family members, Joey & Charlie, our cats. Joey was mine & Daddy's very first baby. Daddy gave him to me for my 22nd birthday. Charlie came along a few years later, because we worried Joey would be lonely without a little friend (I think Joey would have disagreed with that assessment).

Joey is the chubby family grump. He hibernates away from the family most of the day, & almost never comes out when you're awake. He is the one who will snuggle up to us for pets & then bite us to tell us he is done being pet. He doesn't really like to play. Mostly he wants to sleep & eat & be left alone.

Charlie is the exact opposite. He's tall & lanky & loves to play. He's almost always around the family, purring as he comes close for pets & snuggles. Daddy is his favorite. He's almost always in the same room as Daddy. He sounds the alarms with kitty cries to let us all know Daddy has come home (& he wants to be fed) each evening & cries to tell Daddy good morning (& he wants to be fed) way earlier than Daddy typically wants to wake up. He sleeps snuggled up to my legs every night.

A couple weeks ago, our little fur family got outside. I was fixing your hair for school that morning. Daddy came in and asked us, "have you seen the cats? It's a little odd that Charlie isn't all over me this morning." It was weird, but I had seen them the night before & didn't think too much of it. Daddy was worried. He checked the whole house, opening & shutting doors.

That was when Daddy found the screen popped out of our downstairs window (other than being alarmed about our cats, my first thought was, if the cats can open the screen, anyone could have easily accessed our house). Our indoor cats were somewhere outside. Panic set in. While Joey, the escape artist, has been outside before & has always come home for food, Charlie has never been outdoors. Actually I take that back. He was outside once. Joey pushed the back door open & Charlie followed him out. We found Charlie no further than the bushes that line our deck, shaking & crying until we brought him back inside. Joey can handle himself, but we were really worried about our little Charlie-bug.

Daddy shook their food outside until you & he had to leave for school & work, but neither of the cats came. I tried calling them too, but they were no where to be found. I ran through the house closing windows (no way we're leaving them open anymore) when I saw Joey standing in the garden, looking at the closed window as if he was going to try to return back into the same window without being noticed. It took canned cat food, treats, dry cat food, a lazer pointer, & cat nip to coax him back in. I couldn't help but think, "great the jerky cat is back." "Where is your brother," I asked him, but he just gave me a look that said "who cares," & went back into grumpy hibernation.

I shook their food & called into the woods for Charlie one last time with no luck before leaving for work. He was on my mind the whole work day. I picked you up from school that day, & we prayed the whole drive home. I couldn't get home fast enough. I was so sure Charlie would be waiting for us on the front steps...but he wasn't.

Lost in my own fears, I shook the cat food & called out to him in the woods behind our house. I turned around, defeated, to find you had scattered his cat toys all over the yard, hoping Charlie would see his favorite things & want to come back to play with them. Daddy came home & took our place looking for Charlie in the backyard while we called for him throughout the neighborhood.

There was no sign of him. Not even one little Charlie cry.

While Daddy prepared dinner, I swiftly set to work widening our network. I called the local police stations & animal control centers. I quickly made some fliers to pass around our neighborhood & put an add up in the missing pets section of CraigsList. With heavy hearts & no sign of Charlie, we headed out for your soccer practice.

When we got home that evening & Charlie still wasn't on our front steps waiting for us, I started to lose hope. Charlie hated the outdoors & hated to be away from us. Where was he? I tried to put on a brave face for you, but I couldn't reconcile the fact that we hadn't even heard his cries. You & I placed a flier in every one of our neighbors' mailboxes before putting you to bed that night.

I had put a message up on Facebook asking for prayer for our fur family & couldn't believe the show of support. I was totally blown away. People we hadn't spoken to in years wrote in words of encouragement. They advised tactics that they had used themselves when their pets had gotten out. They shared my status with their own friends & asked people in our area to be on the lookout. One friend offered to come over & help us look for Charlie.

Your aunt Andrea suggested that we reach out to Helping Lost Pets. They're an organization that is free to use, that helps to get lost pets home by providing a network of support. Moments after contacting them, they had put Charlie's picture up on Facebook alerting thousands of people to be on the look out. Unfortunately, there was a little bit of a mix-up that evening with two orange tabby-cats named Charlie being on the lose, ours & one in East Greenwich (go figure). The mix-up was quickly resolved, & I watched as strangers wrote in words of encouragement.

I felt so completely blessed that we had so many people supporting us, & yet tears started to stream down my face that evening. I was looking at the photos of Charlie we had used for the fliers, CraigsList, & Helping Lost Pets. They were from last Christmas. Charlie was right there with us as we opened gifts, curious about what we were unwrapping. You & Daddy had picked out toys for Joey & Charlie, & you both laughed as Charlie leapt after the toys.

Tears flowed as I began to imagine what our next Christmas would be like without our silly Charlie. I hated myself for all the times he had come to me for pets & I pushed him away, wanting to avoid cat hair on my business clothes. I thought about how different it would be to go to sleep without Charlie snuggled into my legs. I imagined Charlie being out there somewhere scared & cold & alone...if he was still alive at all. Or what if someone found him & took him in? He had no collar or tags to let anyone know that he was our Charlie. I couldn't think about what we would say to you when Charlie never came home.

It was late that night, the last time Daddy & I shook the cat food outside & called for Charlie, using a flashlight to try to find his eyes in the woods. Nothing. No Charlie. Not even one little cry. I went to bed feeling absolutely hopeless.

You woke up incredibly early the next morning. I heard you moving around, looked at my watch, and then closed my eyes again. It was way too early to be awake. We probably should have been concerned when we heard doors opening & shutting, but we were too tired to comprehend much. I kept my eyes closed, trying to get in last moments of rest before starting what was likely to be a busy & emotionally taxing day.

You had been up for a while, & I remember thinking it was a little strange that you hadn't come into our room to say good morning. Doors were still opening & slamming downstairs. I heard your footsteps coming up the stairs & down the hall, & then I heard something that made my heart soar: a little meow. At first I thought I was dreaming, & then I looked down on the floor next to our bed & saw Charlie! You were standing behind him, in the doorway of our room, looking very nonchalant. "CHARLIE!!!" I exclaimed. "Em, where was he? How did he get in here?!"

You were very matter of fact. "Well, I woke up because I thought that I heard him this morning. I went outside, & he came on the deck. I sat with him for a long while, & then I told him it was time to come inside. So, I opened the door, & he followed me in."

I couldn't believe it. After Daddy & I calling him, the fliers, & the ads, it was you who brought our Charlie home. We scooped Charlie & you up for big hugs. We called you our hero, & you beamed. We celebrated you by putting on cartoons & Daddy made you a special breakfast in bed. Charlie's fate was not as happy as our hero's. After two nights outside, Charlie got a bubble bath. He hated every second of it.

You smiled proudly as you told everyone at school the story of your valor. After dropping you off, I headed straight to the pet store to buy our furry family members collars with tags. Should they ever become little escape artists again, I'll feel a little better knowing that people will know they are ours. The cats don't love them, but they're dealing.

Over he last couple weeks, life has settled down again. Joey is back to being the family grump, & Charlie is back to being our little snuggle bug. Daddy & I have talked about it. He almost seems to appreciate us more, after his two night adventure outside. He seems so happy to just be with us. After imagining a life without him, I know I appreciate him a lot more too.

This whole episode taught me a lot. It has reminded us how big of a network & how much support we have there for us in challenging times. It has taught me to be more hopeful, things seem to have a way of working out for the best more often than not. I'm also reminded to be more appreciative of what we have. You know the saying, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"? I'm going to try a little harder to know what I've got when I have it. Because sometimes a little snugglebug of fur can mean the whole world, & he should know it.

I love you so,
Mommy

love letters

Dear Em,

"I guess it simply goes to show that stuff will come and stuff will go. But do we cry? Goodness, No! We keep on singing."

- Pete the Cat and His four Groovy Buttons by Eric Litwin

You came home from school one day in December raving about Pete the Cat saving Christmas on a bus, & we've been Pete the Cat groupies ever since. His books are our favorites. He's such a groovy little dude. The books are fun, & also have such great messages. Plus, you can go online & download a free reading of the books. I had the pleasure of watching a circle of preschoolers sing & dance to one. Hands down, one of the most adorable things I've ever seen. Of all the books, Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons seems to be our favorite.

I used to kind of freak out when my things would get ruined. When we were younger, my sister broke my dear snow globe. I certainly cried, & I complained about it for years (& years). I chalked it up to learning from my parents to appreciate the things I had, to take care of them. And we should appreciate & take care of what we have. But in the end, stuff is just stuff.

I don't feel like that really set in for me until there was you. On the one hand, I learned to get less upset about things getting ruined because that's just the reality of having a child.  Our duvet cover that I had fallen in love with & spent much more on than I should have, became nothing more than a puke rag for more than six months after the day we brought you home. The silky, chic shirt I purchased for work had oily stains all over it after I applied sunscreen to your skin. Plus, nothing is safe from your touchy fingers...nothing.

On the other hand, having a child has taught me more so than ever before that stuff doesn't matter. Days after you were born, our laptop went crashing to the floor. We lost everything (no, we didn't back everything up, thank you for asking). We lost some of the papers we had written in college, letters we had written to each other, music, our resumes, photos...not to mention a really expensive laptop. Pre-Mommy me would have been crushed. Pre-Mommy me would have sat down & made a puddle of tears. I think your daddy looked at me & was expecting it. I think even I was expecting it. But the tears never came. I thought about how that sucked, but you were safe...our family was safe. It was going to be OK.

I see my Pre-Mommy self in you. You get upset when things get ruined, very upset. It's almost comical because you so easily ruin things...except for the unconsolable, crying three year old that runs to my lap. Things rip & things break & things get lost, & I watch you fall apart. That's just life for a dramatic three year old who has a hard time being careful. But I hope that Pete the Cat helps you to see that "stuff will come and stuff will go." I hope when stuff goes, you'll get up & "keep singing your song."

I love you so,
Mommy

The phone call I won't make today...

Em & Grandma.

Dear Em,
Today is going to be a hard day for me. You see, there is a phone call I should be making today. I've made the call on this day every year for as long as I can remember. Just thinking about the call that I can't make...my...heart...just...breaks.

Today is my grandma's birthday. Today is the first day in my life that I can't call my grandma & hear one of my favorite voices on her birthday, because Grandma passed away in April. It wasn't expected. There is a bitter feeling that sits in the pit of my stomach. It's a feeling of being robbed of more time with one of my most favorite people in the world. The bitter feeling subsides with the knowledge that my grandma did not suffer as she left this world & that she is in a better place.

It still hasn't quite set in. Every time I had a health related question, your grandma was my very first phone call. Last month when you had a fever for days, I reached for the phone at least 4,000 times & remembered mid-dial. My heart broke all over again.

Your great grandma was one of the most amazing people I will ever know. She was a single mother of 6 kids & still put herself through nursing school. She was always busy with work & hobbies & volunteering. There was so much that she did, but when she was with me, I always felt like at that moment I was the center of her universe. Grandma had a way of making people feel like that. She talked to EVERYBODY: In the check out line at the grocery store, in the elevator, in the waiting room of a doctor's office, at the next table in a restaurant. Grandma was always striking up conversations.

Grandma was the best to talk to. On the days where I was convinced your Nonnie & Papi did not & never could understand me, Grandma was my safe harbor. She always told me I could do whatever I set my heart & mind to, & I knew she believed it. She was sick in the hospital when I graduated from URI & gave the senior commencement speech. I knew she was cheering for me from her hospital bed, though. When she came to my MBA graduation ceremony, she beamed with pride. That meant everything. At that moment all the exams & all the presentations & all the projects & all the papers were 100% worth it. One of the people I most admired was proud of me. It's a feeling that I will remember forever.

I learned so much from Grandma. She is one of the smartest people I knew. Her small house was always lined with books. When I was little she told me that books could take me anywhere I wanted to go. She was delighted to see that books became my constant companion as well. When I was in 6th grade, she got me the most beautiful hardcover copy of Little Women. I loved that book & reread it every summer for years (as well as many other books written by Louisa May Alcott). One summer Grandma & I traveled to the house that Louisa May Alcott grew up in. We both relished in standing in the home where Louisa first learned to write. It was an amazing day, just Grandma & I.

Music was another thing that Grandma & I shared. Her house was also lined with music. She liked it all...well, most of it. Some of my happiest memories of grandma are those we shared listening to music. Her eyes sparkled as we "boogied" around her house. I grew up listening to the Cats soundtrack on her stereo & dreamed of the day when I could see such performances in person. When I got older, it was a dream come true to go to some of the broadway performances with my grandma by my side.

Did you know your daddy went with my Grandma to pick out an engagement ring for me? He knew that she was one of the most special people in the world to me...and she knew a lot about diamonds. So, they picked out a ring together. Grandma was the only one who knew the words Brian had in his heart...well, for the most part. Grandma had a hard time keeping good news a secret. So, Nonnie & Papi had an idea that good things would be coming my way.

When you were born, we gave you the middle name Keane, Grandma's maiden name. She was thrilled, not just because it was her name but because it was Irish. The more you grow, the more fitting a name I think it is for you. I see so much of my grandma in you. The way you say "hi" reminds us of her. You're already so smart & so stubborn, just like her. No one can tell you that you're too young or small or weak to be able to do something. You tackle each thing with such a sense of purpose. You talk to everyone, just like Grandma. You're sarcastic. I didn't know it was possible for an almost two year old to be sarcastic, but you are. I am as well. I got my sarcasm from my Daddy who got it from his Mommy (my grandma). You love to read. It makes me smile to think of how much my grandma would delight in reading with you. To think of the journeys the two of you could have taken with your books, sigh, it would have been magical.

It breaks my heart to know that you will never know her like I did.

So today I will spend a lot of time looking up at the sky & having birthday conversations with my grandma. I know she'll be looking down on us & smiling at how much you're a living reminder of her.

I love you & miss my grandma more than I can express in words. I'm so thankful for every day I had with her on earth & am a better person because of her. I hope you have someone who is what my grandma has always been for me.

I love you so,
Mommy