The Past Five Years

Dear Em,
Between work & getting ready for our annual autumn trip to New Hampshire, I found myself taking a week off from the blog to fit it all in. Then we got back, & I felt totally wiped out. I wanted to take a moment to write & recap our wonderful adventure, but I also wanted to lay underneath the covers & sleep until spring-time. Sigh. It seems like our New Hampshire adventures do that to me (if you would just share some of your never ending energy), because I guess I was too burnt out from last year's trip to even cover it on the blog. Whoops. So, my plan is to make this a New Hampshire themed week on the blog. I'll recap last year & then highlight this year's trip.

Before diving into our New Hampshire memories, I wanted to talk about something we celebrated while in New Hampshire: The Last Five Years. Friday was our five year wedding anniversary.

While five years seems to me like it is the first big marriage milestone, it's gone by so fast that it doesn't seem like much time has really passed. I feel like it was just yesterday I was walking down the aisle to join hands with the man I love. Honestly, I feel like it was just yesterday that we met, but Thursday marked 12 years since I had my last first kiss.

It's kind of crazy how much we've changed since then, as a couple & as individuals. We've grown a lot. Even my ideas of what love looks like has changed. Back then I expected daily fireworks & butterflies. There was plenty of fire back then. We practically fought at every public event. Thinking back on it, it's kind of amazing we made it past those fiery years. 

Now five years into our marriage, there are still fireworks & butterflies, but mostly it's a quieter love we share. It's the kind of love where he is my best friend. It's the kind of love where I tell him everything, even though sometimes I think he wished I didn't. It's the kind of love where we challenge each other, & become better people because of it. It's the kind of love where we're raising a daughter together & mostly have no idea what we're doing but somehow bring out the best in each other (or at least cover for the other when they're at their worst). It's the kind of love where sometimes I have to ask him 8 times to hang up our bird house & it's still sitting on the kitchen counter. It's the kind of love where I plan things in the middle of the Patriots game, leaving him to turn off his phone & plug his ears in public so that the score of the game is not ruined before we can watch it on the DVR. It's the kind of love where we snuggle up on the couch & sometimes watch too much TV. It's the kind of love where sometimes we need to walk away for a little while before we can say what we're feeling inside. It's the kind of love where we laugh...at each other, at ourselves, at you. It's the kind of love where I'm pretty sure he & his friends are going to kill themselves on their yearly man camping trip, but he goes anyways. It's the kind of love where he holds me when I'm at my ugliest & weakest but loves me in spite of it all. It's the kind of love where I want to scream when he's the one giving directions ("Oh, we wanted to turn right back there"), but instead I take deep breaths. It's the kind of love where our 3.5 year old joins us for snuggles & cartoons in our bed at 6:30am on the weekends, & sometimes we're in bed by 8 pm at night. It's the kind of love where we didn't become rocket scientists or Pulitzer prized journalists, but we work hard each day & then come home to each other. It's the kind of love where we know that if I get the promotion I've been working towards, much of the day to day responsibilities are going to shift to him, & yet he supports me anyways. It's the kind of love where we share the upbringing of our child & the responsibilities of the house. It's the kind of love where he gets up & makes us pancakes in bed. It's the kind of love where he holds me close & tells me he loves our life, & I couldn't agree more. It's the kind of love where we wake up every day & decide to be together, to live each wonderful & sometimes agonizing moment together.

In five years, we changed states, changed jobs, became home owners, & entered the amazingness of parenthood (ok, we did all of that in the first year and a half & have been trying to catch our breath ever since). We hit a lot of low points, but (whether it's by choice or not) I mostly remember the good (like the first day we held you in our arms). To be honest there were some days when we didn't like each other much, but we never stopped loving each other.

"This is love with the lights on and eyes wide open. This is the brave love, the scared love, the sacred boring, the holy ordinary over the sinks of dirty dishes and that one cupboard in the kitchen with a broken hinge."

It may seem kind of boring to some people, but it's more than I could have ever hoped for. It's this love that has made all of the little (& sometimes big) moments & blessings possible these past five years. And this is why each & every day when I wake up, I choose Daddy. I choose Daddy, & I choose you. I choose us.

I love you so,

Mommy