A Bug & A Wish

Dear Em,
You've been in kindergarten for a little over two months, & I have to admit, at times it's been a challenging transition. Through all the changes & the bumps along the way, you've really grown to love being a kindergartner. You love your little school, & you adore the new, little friends you've made along the way.

Daddy & I can't help but feel removed. When you went to Sweet Peas, we dropped you off each day. We said hi to your directors & your classmates. We got to hear about which classmate was about to have a baby brother & see which classmate brought in sea creature stuffed animals each day. We could see your classwork on the walls & had a few moments to touch base with your teachers about how they were doing & the things you were working on. When we picked you up from school, we got short glimpses of what classroom life was like for you before one of your little friends would shout out, "Emma, your mom/dad is here."

Now that you're in kindergarten, we don't get to have that daily glimpse into your school life. What we do get is the things you share with us once you get home. There are days where you can't seem to remember anything you did at school. Luckily, more often than not, you can remember little bits of your day. I love hearing about how you play zoo keeper in gym class, how you are working on identifying main characters & plots in library, & how you learned how to make a star in art. You teach me new words in Spanish each week & recite adorable poems you learned at "morning meetings." You shared with me that one little boy is the smartest kid in class...at least he told you he was & you believe him (he knows things like what a trapezoid is & what 100 + 100 equals).

One of our favorite things that you've taught us about is a bug and a wish. You were discussing with us a difficultly you were having with another classmate. He was pretending that a block was a car, & he was driving his "car" all over your body. You didn't want him driving his "car" all over your body. You explained to us that you had given him a bug & a wish. A bug & a what?? "A bug & a wish, Mom. It's where you say, 'you're bugging me & I wish you would stop.'" A bug & a wish! Isn't that the most freaking adorable thing in the world?!

Knowing how to handle conflict is not something that is inherent. It is taught & learned along the way. Your style of resolving conflict will probably evolve through different situations & different years (let me just warn you now, there is very little that works with a three year old). It makes my heart happy that, for now, you have a bug & a wish.

I have to say, there are many times in my work day that I would LOVE to use a bug & a wish.

I love you so,
Mommy

Throwback Thursday: Maternity Leave

Dear Em,
It's hard to believe that five years ago I was on maternity leave. I took four & a half months months of leave after you were born (most of it unpaid), & it was the most amazing gift. I needed every single one of those 4 1/2 months. I had a body that felt beyond broken & this new & incredible baby that I just couldn't get enough of.

Much of my maternity leave was spent recovering from childbirth & being spit up on & not getting enough sleep & caring for a newborn that needed 99% of my time & attention. I remember days when Daddy would come home from work & I would be in a sports bra & underwear because you had spit up on all of my clean clothes I fit in & I didn't have time during the day to do any laundry. Still, those were four & a half of the most incredible months of my life.

Most of my maternity leave was during the winter months, but we didn't let that stop us. We did everything, you & I. We went on walks at the bike path & beach. We went to the zoo & the aquarium (even though you were too young to pay attention to any of it). We went shopping. We traveled to North Carolina. We went to story time. We visited with friends. We played at home. We snuggled. We napped. I spent endless hours just watching your changing facial expressions. I fell more in love with you each & every precious day.

I never even considered being a stay at home mom until I had the wonderful gift of 4 1/2 months of time home with you. I dreaded going back to work. I was going to miss you way too much. I did a lot of crying. There was a lot of help from your daddy, our family, & the amazing nannies who watched you. But we did it. I made it back to work, & I'm glad I did. I think it's what is best for our family.

Still, when I think back to those precious 4 1/2 months...Sigh, it puts a smile in my heart just thinking about it.

I love you so,
Mommy

Flashback Friday: What a difference five years make

Dear Em,
I had planned on this being a Throwback Thursday post, but the days are just really getting away from me lately. Sigh. So, here we are with the blog's first Flashback Friday.

I cannot stress enough how quickly the past five years have gone by. The saying goes that time flies when you're having fun. I'm not saying every day has been sunshine & butterflies, but they've been the five best years of my life.

Five years ago, I was doing a lot of waiting. I was waiting for my family to arrive for the holidays, & I was waiting for you to be born. I could not wait to meet you, to put a face to all of my dreams. I was doing my very best to do anything that might coax you out. I tried to walk three miles each day. I ate eggplant parm. I drank smoothies of mango, kiwi, & pineapple. This was one of the first things in life that I couldn't make happen in my own time, & it drove me crazy. This was just the first of many lessons I would learn about losing control & finding beauty in things that don't go exactly as I planned.

You weren't born in time for Christmas that year, but a few days later I received the most amazing gift Daddy & I would ever receive...you. Now I have this imaginative, outspoken, bouncing, loving, bright, hilarious little almost five year old. What a difference five short years makes.

You ask me what I want for Christmas, & every year I give you the same answer. All I've ever wanted for the past five years is you. Your hugs & kisses & smiles & oohs & ahhs & snuggles & laughter bring more joy to mine & Daddy's Christmases than anything that could be wrapped & put under the tree.

I love you so,
Mommy

Our Family Portrait 2014

Dear Em,
You love to create art. When you have a moment with nothing planned, we often see you pull your coloring supplies out. You sit quietly making pictures, & then you hang them up on our refrigerator. We have a whole art gallery currently hanging on our fridge.

You recently colored a portrait of our family. It made me smile thinking about your very first family portrait (& even the one you colored last year). This time we have bodies to go along with our heads, you made our eye color true to life, there is a written title above the illustration, & you even included our cats.

It makes my heart happy every time I walk into the kitchen. Thanks for that.

I love you so,

Mommy

My Anchor Tattoo

Dear Em,
A couple weeks ago I got my third tattoo. While you've seen all three of my tattoos, it may come as a surprise to others. There are actually people I've known for years that have no idea that I have any tattoos.

I got my first tattoo when I was 19. It was my first summer living away from home. I was a summer camp counselor with the weekend off. I woke up early in the morning, & just felt like getting my first tattoo. A fellow camp counselor went with me. I had no idea what I wanted. I looked through the sample books & pages hung on the tattoo parlor walls before deciding on a simple sunflower. I wanted something that wouldn't be covered up all the time but also wouldn't be too obvious. My ankle was the spot I chose.

I got tattooed the second time when I was in grad school. This time I had known what I wanted for a while. Inspired by Footprints in the Sand, I wanted the outline of footprints. It symbolized one of my favorite poems, God, my love of the shore, & all the time I spent with my family at the beach. One of my friends from college was also getting a tattoo, & we went together. Your Daddy watched me wince as I got my right heel tattooed.

Most days I don't even notice I have tattoos, but for a while now, I'd been thinking about getting another. While anchors have recently been popular in fashion, they've always been my favorite. To me, they symbolize growing up as a Navy brat & never being far from the ocean. After graduating from high school, the anchor began to symbolize Rhode Island (it's part of the state flag), URI, & meeting your Daddy. Since buying a house in Rhode Island, the anchor has come to symbolize our summer walks on the beach, our shared love of the ocean, & home.

BUT, I've never gotten a tattoo by myself. You would think this wouldn't be an issue, as I'm not a tattoo rookie, but I was nervous to do it on my own. Luckily, when I asked my dear friend Ali, she agreed to go with me & get one too.

I can't believe the butterflies I felt in my stomach as they tattooed a small anchor onto my wrist, the most noticeable area of all my tattoos. I instantly loved it, & it meant even more that I got to share the experience & the same tattoo with one of my best friends.

Two days later, I was reading to you, & you noticed it. With my past two tattoos, I hadn't been completely honest with you. When you asked about them, I may have told a little white lie & said they were stickers. This time, I decided to put my big girl pants on & be honest. I explained to you that the anchor was a tattoo, a permanent tattoo. I told you that a permanent tattoo is something you can't get until you're 18. If you decide to get one, and many people decide not too (like Daddy), it's very important to choose wisely. Make sure it's something that you're going to love forever, because it will be forever.

You kind of shrugged & went on with your day. I don't know how much you understood. I don't know if you will want a tattoo someday too (is it weird that I kind of hope you won't want one?), but I'm glad that we had an honest conversation about it. I hope we can have honest conversations about things like this in the future (rather than being like me who hid my first tattoo from my Dad for almost a year).

For now, & hopefully for a really long time, we'll stick to stickers & temporary tattoos.

I love you so,
Mommy

Throwback Thursday: Daddy's Girl

Dear Em,
My mom told me that when I was little, I was a Daddy's girl. He was in the Navy, & I was devastated when he went out to sea for long periods of time. I couldn't bear for him to be away. I would kiss his picture on the refrigerator every night before going to bed.

As I grew up, I became less of a Daddy's Girl & more of a typical teenager. I couldn't understand then that when my Dad said "no," it was because he loved me & wanted the best for me. As a self-centered teenager, it seemed like every time my dad didn't want me to do what I wanted to do, it was because he was trying to make my life absolutely miserable. He was my dad, & I knew he loved me, but dads are supposed to make their kids miserable, right?

It wasn't until college that I started to look at my dad as more than just my dad. In 2002 I went to my first RedSox game. My Dad has always been a diehard fan, but this was the first time I fell for the boys in red socks. That fall the RedSox made it into the playoffs as a Wild Card team. I felt an excitement rise in my chest like I had never felt before. I died a little when their losses to the Yankees ended their World Series run.

In 2004, the team was something special. They were "the idiots." You could feel the true camaraderie in this team, & I wondered if they would be the RedSox team to win the World Series for the first time since 1918. It was when the RedSox began their postseason that my dad & I started emailing each other. We talked about the team & the highs & the lows from the previous games. We talked about what each win meant. I had only been a real RedSox fan for a couple years, but my dad had been a fan all of his life & had never seen a RedSox World Series win. He talked about what that meant for him. We talked about how we held our breath with each strike, each ball, & each hit. My dad was sharing his thoughts & feelings with me like never before.

When the RedSox won the World Series that year, I can't tell you the joy & elation I felt. I felt so fortunate that I was a fan when the RedSox made history. My dad was the first person I called. He's been my first call after every RedSox World Series Championship (& Patriots Superbowl Championships) since.

There's an amazing thing that happened with my mom & dad sometime between the time I left for college & got married, they became more than just my parents. They became my friends. I can talk to them as a peer instead of as a girl who is pretty certain her parents are trying to ruin her life. For my dad & I, the RedSox were a big part of how that happened.

I continued to go to RedSox games in Boston & at other ballparks on the east coast. When they lived in New Jersey, I gifted my dad & my siblings tickets to RedSox games in Baltimore.  My family lives in North Carolina now, far away from any ballpark where the RedSox might play. When my dad is visiting Rhode Island, we've gotten him tickets to see the RedSox play with your daddy & Papa. We even took the family on a tour of Fenway. Yet, I had never gone to a RedSox game with my Dad- until last weekend.

Your daddy & I talked about what we wanted to do for Father's Day gifts this year. When I learned that my dad would be in Rhode Island for 4th of July weekend, I checked the schedule to see if the RedSox would be playing at home. We were in luck! This year we got tickets for all the Dads (Daddy, Papa, & Papi), but I wanted to go too (& Grandma did too). This year I finally wanted to share the experience of a RedSox game with my Dad.

The RedSox were playing a double header that day, & we listened to the first game on the radio on the way up. Just as we arrived, the RedSox won their first game of the day in overtime. Excited, we headed to Sweet Carolines for dinner before our game.

Then my Dad & I did some RedSox gear shopping. He got a rain jacket, & I bought a new hat before heading into the ballpark early to watch the team warm up. I was so excited to walk through Fenway with my Dad. We watched Ortiz put his arm around Napoli. We talked about who we thought was playing that day. We enjoyed being at Fenway on such a gorgeous day.

The RedSox did not win that night, but I loved sharing the fan experience with my dad. I loved that he got just as annoyed with the incessant start of the wave as I did (he's pretty sure it threw Lackey off & was the reason we started to falter in the game). I love that he cheered for every RedSox hit. I love that even though the RedSox were losing in the last inning & it was late, he was happy to stay for the whole game. I love that he laughed with me when I called a Steven Drew home run just before he hit it (your daddy wishes the Redsox would trade Steven Drew & we teased him about it all night). I loved having the opportunity to share Fenway with my Dad for a night.

I'm so thankful that my dad & I have the RedSox & the connection we developed through them. I hope my dad & I are able to share many more RedSox memories together- & that someday you will be excited to join us in RedSox game fun.

I love you so,
Mommy

Not Doing Our Best

Dear Em,
We were in the middle of a tough week. There had been tantrums galore. I know every study coming out nowadays says not to take things away as a punishment, but Daddy & I had no idea what to do. Your nastiness was off the charts. EVERYTHING was causing a meltdown or a tantrum.

Trying to nip the whole thing in the bud, Daddy & I gave you consequences with every nasty tirade you went on. We took away TV. We took away desserts. We sent you to quiet time in your room. Nothing worked.

I woke up one morning to you screaming at me because I asked you to put your clothes on. You told me that I wasn't your mommy anymore & you never wanted to see me again. Later that afternoon, while I was trying to help you get ready for dance (which we debated not letting you go to, but ultimately didn't want you to miss it), you screamed at me again. Just inches from my face. I'm not proud of how I reacted.

I called Nonnie while you were in dance that night. I was on the verge of tears. Everything was awful & nothing was working. Nonnie just listened. She didn't judge. She made a few suggestions, but mostly she just let me vent.

After we tucked you in that night, Daddy & I talked. I didn't want to excuse your actions. The way you were acting was not okay. But maybe part of the reason you weren't giving us your best, is that Daddy & I weren't giving you our best. We have been so busy over the past few months, that when Daddy & I finally have a second that isn't planned, we've grown accustomed to collapsing in a chair & zoning out in front of the TV. We've been exhausted. You've been exhausted. It seems like every moment of every weekend has been planned, & we spend our week days just trying to hold on. We've been rushing everywhere, & when we're not rushing, I just want to curl into a little ball & get some quiet time to recover.

While you've mostly been with us on our weekend adventures & they've included fun activities, all the little things seemed to be lacking. When was the last time we had a dance party while I made dinner? When was the last time I sat down & read with you, not because it was bedtime, just to read to you? When was the last time we played a family board game or played magnatiles together or played playdough together or worked on puzzles together? Maybe part of the reason you were acting the way you were acting is that was the only way to get a reaction from Daddy & I?

So, you & I had a talk the next day. We talked about how frustrating it feels for me to have someone screaming in my face. We talked about how I wasn't proud of how I was reacting to you screaming in my face. We talked about better ways to communicate. We talked about making better choices.

Then the three of us loaded into my car & went to the park after work. Your smiles & laughter told me everything I needed to know. You didn't need jam-packed expensive adventures. You needed quality time with your Mommy & Daddy. You needed this. Our family needed this.

We all went to bed much happier that night. The next few days went a lot better. We had more dance parties & less tantrums. Just the way I like it.

I love you so,
Mommy

Silver Sparkle Spaceship & The First Day of Spring

Dear Em,
Thursday was the first day of Spring. It's been a long winter, & you & I have been patiently waiting wanting to punch winter in the face crying looking forward to the day Spring was finally here. And although we may get a major winter snow storm later this week, we took Thursday to celebrate that it was Spring, even if only by name.

I started the celebration by picking up my new car. I drive a lot for work. As someone who drives over 70,000 miles in two years, I tend to go through cars pretty quickly. Since you were born, I've now had three cars. The first car you ever traveled in was my Mazda 3. I teared up as I turned that car in. Sure, Daddy said it looked like a pregnant roller skate, but that was the car we brought you home in. It was the car you had all of your first car/first trip moments. It was the car you first learned to sing Top 40 Hits in.

A Subaru Forester was my next car, & Daddy called me a hippie. It is true that Subaru owners seem to be a little bit crunchier. I almost felt like I had a lifestyle to live up to as a Subaru owner. A lifestyle of more mindful sustainability & camping & hiking & biking & kayaking. Is it just a coincidence we took on more of that while I drove my Subaru?

I was missing my Subaru & it's bright sun roof the first time I got into my new car, a Ford Escape. I felt a little bit like I had gotten into a spaceship. There are more buttons than I can tell you & multiple screens. This is the first time I needed a 30 minute tutorial on how to use my car. It was a shame on the first sunny day in a while, on the first day of Spring, I no longer had a sun roof to open up over my head, but I really enjoyed the rear camera (I'm slightly less worried about crashing into/running things over when I back up now), bluetooth phone sync, & digital displays (I think there are no less than 100 different displays to choose from).

Daddy asked if we could take the new car for a joyride after dinner, & I thought what better way to celebrate Spring (& create a mess in my new car right off the bat) than a ride to the beach? The sun was just starting to set & the sky was showing hints of gold & purple & dark blue hues. It was cold by then, but we decided to get out & run around a little bit anyways.

After our quick trip to the beach, we headed to McDonald's for Shamrock Shakes, having missed out on our St. Patrick's Day tradition the week before.

We talked about naming this car, & you said you wanted to call it "gold sparkle." It sounded a bit like a My Little Pony to me, but I would have gone with it. "Except that my car is silver, not gold Em. What if we call it Silver Sparkle?" You were pretty happy with that, & even gave in to my request to end the name with spaceship.

I held Daddy's hand as he drove us home in Silver Sparkle Spaceship. The Rhode Island sky was what you like to call cotton candy, pastel pinks & purples & blues. I looked at you & looked at Daddy & smiled. I can't believe how incredibly lucky we are...for so many reasons, but most of all for the love we share.

I love you so,
Mommy

Throwback Thursday: Andrea

Dear Em,
When I met your aunt Andrea, she was a freshmen in high school. She & your Daddy were in that stage of siblinghood where there was a four year gap, & while they loved each other, they didn't really understand each other (& Daddy thought he was way cooler than her because he was older & really didn't like her taste in music). She was always nice, but I wasn't really sure if she liked me. She was my boyfriend's sister, & it was like that for a while.

We were at a family function one day- I will never forget it- when your aunt Andrea turned to me & said, "when are you two going to have kids? I would like to be an aunt, like, now." Your Daddy & I weren't even engaged. I was in the middle of gradschool. Having a baby at that moment was not close to being an option, but it made my heart happy to know that your aunt Andrea thought of me being part of the family in a permanent way.

Your daddy graduated from college, & Andrea graduated from high school. During my last year of gradschool, Andrea was at URI too. It was kind of fun meeting up with her from time to time & bringing her snacks to get her through finals. It was the first times that I was seeing her without your daddy there too, & I felt like we were becoming friends.

Daddy & I got engaged (she was the first one we told in person, because she was a few miles away), & the next two years were a whirlwind of activities. Andrea was the only one of my bridesmaids living anywhere near me, & she was a lifesavor. I can't tell you how much she helped out. She was there for me for EVERYTHING, & we also had the opportunity to just have fun together too. Your aunt Andrea is so (so so so so so) funny & fun & smart & sweet. Everything we did together was a blast. There were road trips & girls weekends that we're still laughing about.

On the day of my wedding, I felt so blessed to have- not just my new husband's sister or just a friend- another sister standing beside me.

Her support didn't stop there. She was the very first person we told we were pregnant, & her joy was unbelievable. As I got larger & cried because I didn't fit in any of my clothes, Andrea went maternity clothes shopping with me. She was there to help us move into our house. She helped plan my baby shower. Everything we did together was filled with laughter.

The day she met you, she was overjoyed. You are the niece that your Aunt Andrea had wanted for years. It's made my heart happy to see the two of you together ever since. She has become our resident nurse, the first one we call when we're worried about your health. She's also become one of my favorite people to go on trips with. We had so much fun in Las Vegas, Florida, & California with her & your Uncle Lowell to be.

And now it's your Aunt Andrea's turn to get married. I don't think it's possible to repay her for all she's done for us & the many ways she's supported me, but I'm going to try my hardest. Her Wedding Breakfast is this weekend, & I'm so excited to celebrate Andrea & all of the amazingness that lies ahead in her future (maybe a cousin or two for you sometime after the wedding????). I wish her all of the best & feel so fortunate to be part of the journey.

I love you so,

Mommy

Family Portrait

Dear Em,
I recently commissioned a local artist to draw our family portrait. What do you think?

I should probably mention that the local artist is three (and a half) years old.

Our artist seems to like the abstract. In case you don't recognize us, Daddy is the big, orange one to the right of the page, I'm the (maybe doing a cartwheel) upside-down, orange one at the bottom of the page, & you are the sweet, little, (also upside down) pink one on the left of the page. You added hair-bow stickers to my & your hair, & Minnie (also upside down) is just hanging out with our family. You've come a long way from your very first family drawing. We all have hair, eyeballs, & fingers now.

You told me I could keep this drawing for always. It's kinda amazing, art seems awfully expensive these days but I only had to pay you in hugs & kisses. I know art is subjective, but I think Emma originals might be my very favorite kind of art.

I love you so,
Mommy