Monday, March 3, 2014

"So, we're breaking up?"

Dear Em,
The first time I saw Dashboard Confessional in concert I was in college, & he was opening for a band my friends & I had gone to see. It was enough for me that he played acoustic guitar, but then we heard that he was also a kindergarten teacher with a tattoo filled edginess. Omg. Swoon.

The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most became an often played CD album for me (sigh, you probably don't even know what a compact disc is), especially during frustrating days- which let's just be honest, I was a college female so I felt frustrated a lot. When I'm upset, my favorite thing to do is belt out a good song. It's better than any therapy I've ever tried. Dashboard's compilation of songs had just the perfect amount of anger & belt-outness. As I rocked out to Dashboard Confessional in my tiny dorm room, I could feel the tension releasing my body.

It's not that Daddy didn't like the album, he just didn't like that when I listened to the album, I was probably mad- & we were probably in a fight (which was pretty often in college, we may have been known as the couple that fought at every college party). The CD became like a mood ring for me (sigh, you probably won't ever know what those are either). When I was upset, Dashboard Confessional was playing. It almost became a running joke. If Dashboard was playing when Daddy walked into my room he would ask, "So, we're breaking up?"

I hadn't listened to The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most in a really long time. I think I misplaced the album sometime in the CD to iPod switch, but Dashboard has been on my mind recently. Maybe it's just because of how grey it's been. Maybe it's because of how ehhh I've been feeling by the end of the day. So, I found the Dashboard Confessional album on iTunes last week & have been listening to it since.

When I told Daddy, his eyebrow kind of raised. I'm sure uncomfortable memories of arguing over nonsense came rushing back to him. But I'm not fighting with (or breaking up with) Daddy this time. As I was belting out to the acoustic music I've missed so much, I realized who I am in a fight with & am absolutely ready to break up with: WINTER.

"I heard about your regrets.
I heard that you were feeling sorry.
I heard from someone that you wish you could set things right between us.
Well I guess I should have heard of that from you.
I guess I should have heard of that from you.

I'm waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
I'll be all right when my hands get warm. Ignoring the phone,
I'd rather say nothing. I'd rather you'd never heard my voice.
You're calling too late too late to be gracious you do not warrant long goodbyes.

You're calling too late. You're calling too late..."

Winter has become that obnoxious stage 4 clinger that I just can't lose. We both know it's over. To be honest, for me it started to be over soon after the holidays, but Winter just keeps coming back with storm after storm after storm. You know what, Winter? I don't want your storms. I don't want your grey skies & grey snow. I don't want to build a snowman. I just want you gone.

Except it's pretty clear that Winter doesn't care that it's over for me. In fact, I don't think there is any end to winter in sight. So, I guess it's just going to be me belting out to Dashboard Confessional until springtime. Want to join me?

I love you so,

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