Friday, March 23, 2012

love letters

Dear Em,
On Monday you're scheduled to get tubes in your ears. Yes, it is surgery. Yes, they will put you under anaesthesia. I hope I don't show it to you, but I am frightened. I know that it is a routine 15 minute procedure. I know that you will feel so much better than you have been as you battle through ear infections every month & the antibiotics plague your digestive system. I also know life is so fleeting & things happen. So, I am frightened. I can't even think about it without tears rushing to my eyes.

They will let me come into the operating room until they put you under. One of the doctors that I work with told me not to do it. She said once you go under, you will look like you're dead & that image will haunt me forever. I just can't leave you, though. I can't let you go into an unknown room with strangers & feel like I abandoned you. I know you probably won't remember it, but I will.

So, I'm going to think of you sleeping & I'm going to think of The Kissing Hand during the 15 minute procedure when I can no longer be by your side. The book was a gift from a friend, & I've cherished it. It's the book I read to you over & over before I went back to work. It's the book I read to you before I had to go away for my first overnight work event. It's the book I read to you before you started your first day of school. It's the book I'll be reading you all this weekend. It's the book I'll be thinking of as I sit frightened & praying in the waiting room on Monday.

"'I'll show you.' Mrs. Raccoon took Chester's left hand and spread open his tiny fingers into a fan. Leaning forward, she kissed Chester right in the middle of his palm. 

Chester felt his mother's kiss rush from his hand, up his arm, and into his heart. Even his silky, black mask tingled with special warmth.

Mrs. Raccoon smiled. 'Now,' she told Chester, 'whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your hand to your cheek and think, 'Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you.' And that very kiss will jump to your face and fill you with toasty warm thoughts."
- The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

I love you so,

* Readers, please keep Em in your prayers on Monday. *

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